Life isn’t fair. When we were welcomed to the world, many things were decided for us: where we were born, which family we landed in, and what gender and race came with the body. We didn’t get to choose a lot in the first place.

Being right about why life is unfair can become a trap that keeps us stuck. I want to call this trap a victim mindset. It shows up when I start comparing myself with others. This isn’t about denying harm or injustice; it’s about what I do internally after it happens.

I didn’t realize how addictive it was until I was stuck in the loop. The loop starts with a comparison, which turns into a complaint. The complaint hardens into blame.

The earliest memory of myself having the idea of comparison was at school, where I recognized that I was unconsciously comparing myself to my classmates. The ranking system was set up in a way to encourage kids to study and track progress. Unfortunately, it seemed to plant the wrong and toxic seed by incentivizing the habit of comparison. Comparison breeds jealousy, and jealousy makes it easy to blame fate, the system, or the people around us. It’s the easiest way to deal with it too: just blame others for our cruelty towards ourselves.

Buddha once said, “life is suffering.” Yet, he asked us to let go. I do think these two teachings are a bit too absolute and hard to live by literally. Not saying one cannot practice these teachings. 

Once I recognized this victim mindset, I wondered more about what to do with this headspace without trying to make everything make sense. 

The hardest part is that bad things happen; sometimes people try to hurt you. So regardless of what’s happening to others, you and I need to stay strong and embrace. I believe that it’s all about the significance we give to certain things. The more significance we give something that doesn’t make us feel the best, the more important it becomes. 

When I realize I compare -> complain -> blame, it’s mentally expensive. I leak time, energy, and the opportunities to better myself. I don’t want to get stuck in the explanation mode. Though I am the only watcher of the mind, I want to feel that I am in control of the mind, not give away my power to others, and not outsource my peace.

One way I return to myself and reset the headspace is gratitude, but even gratitude can become another form of comparison. 

No one would argue the benefits of exercising gratitude. However, I wanted to share what I learned about one gratitude technique that I found harmful as it enhances the effects of the victim mindset. “Be grateful for what you have and others don’t. There are people who have no shelter, family, friends, or food on their table. Compared to them, you are lucky, so be grateful.” This approach may produce gratitude, but it reinforces comparison. No matter which socioeconomic group we contrast ourselves, up or down from where we belong, we cannot ignore the comparison the other way. In gratitude practice, the focus should be self, independent of how others are doing.

The author of Voices of Our Ancestors put it perfectly.

Life itself is a choice. It’s the dream we weave through our attention and thoughts, regardless of our emotional state, financial reality, or capacity to embrace nuanced circumstances. With free will, we can choose who we want to be perceived as, what we want to spend our time and energy reflecting about, and what to experience for the rest of our lives.

Again, this is about inner patterns. None of the above erases real injustice. People are hurt and harmed. I cannot end the piece without offering my prayers and honoring the victims that deserve justice. Hope all may be in peace.

On the journey,

~ Soka ~